On July 5th 2018 we posted this important question on Facebook and we got various comments, which we thought are not only interesting but also shows change in mindset of traditional Indian / Asian Ageing population.
The Question we asked:
You are 60 plus and your children's are in another country / city, they can't come and stay with you, But they ask you to come and settle with them, What will you do ?
Following Comments / Answers we got:
Susan Dmello Barton or just maybe your kids who are abroad can find solutions and caregivers in YOUR OWN HOME IN India... they financially stand by you and visit often so win win for all.
Nidhi Raj Kapoor Good question and great conversation here. You should do a study and compile the findings. I would love to hear more.
Rajeshwar Devarakonda Sailesh Mishra Apt question. In my case, the child - me, relocated. I tried and then understood that the parents too have their social life and to expect them to make yet another sacrifice and become yet another object in your house is inhuman.
Sailesh Mishra I posted above question as this is one of most discussed among seniors. But I never thought, next day I will get this sad news... Like one of the answer when you try to relocate a Senior..... So this is new: USA woman, 92, kills son to avoid being sent into care home : https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-44707643
Vanita Kumta This is where having a heart to heart conversation and abstaining from imposing ones point of view over another could perhaps have been helpful to avoid a sad incident.
Bernadette Ferrer Sailesh Mishra, the article reported is an isolated incident. The mindset of US white folks are Selfish and Narcissistic. Do not Ever compare with their mindset with ANY ASIAN whose embedded culture revolves around family!
Second, the SON who was shot by his mother Did Not RESPECT his own mother's wishes to Stay Home. The Sons was Enabled by HIS family members & Girlfriend to FORCE his own mother to leave her comfort zone. Alternative solutions for his mothers5care exists...PAY FOR 24 HOUR Nurse or Caregivers!
Son was a Lemming!
I truly Suspect that the SON and Family members had a Hidden Financial Agenda.
Sailesh Mishra, you're seasoned enough to Discern cultural Mindsets!
Asha Uberoy No body wants to go and live in another country at this age. And remember a father can look after 10 kids. But 10 kids find it difficult to look after one father. It is the law of life. The water in the river keeps flowing forward. We must not, cannot blame our children or anyone else.
Bhavdeep Pandya We can always create ability to change.. greatest issue is people only change by force.
Bhavdeep Pandya I will go.. I am nearing 70 years
Vanita Kumta Firstly if one feels one can adjust to a new country at the age one has reached it is a good option,secondly one must have trust and faith in them only then,thirdly as long as one feels able to take care of ones needs independently it is worthwhile staying put,or resorting to assistance or joining an assisted living facility or a senior citizens home that suits ones needs financially. Most importantly one needs to keep on going on as far as possible,with a positive outlook and not succumb to the growing pressures around. It is a difficult situation and a level headed choice is necessary. Remaining as active as possible,without stretching out ones hands in desperation,yet asking and taking help when needed is imperative.
Vanita Kumta From real life instances I have seen ,I know seniors who have no children and lose their partner,I have also seen seniors who have children often living in India in the same city,yet at the crucial hour they are not in a position to reach out to their aged parents due to official engagements. All said and done life is unpredictable. It does not follow any book. One needs to actively accept everything 100% however unpleasant . Having said that it is necessary to have a plan of action worked out between the couple whilst they are both living,taking the children too into confidence. The problem more often than nought is that communication and discussion on certain unpleasant ,however obvious realities of life is often lacking or postponed for later. But unfortunately, ' Time And Tide Waits For No Man'.
Mohan Siroya Very sane advice.
Bina Umesh Raj Sharma I feel if at this age you can adjust and mentally prepated then one should go and stay with the children in India/abroad. The children will also be comfortable since the whole family is a one place unless they have an ulterior motive.
Bernadette Ferrer Your choice: Stubborn Self Independence versus You live by Their Rules of Their Home (Tables are turned..as children, they lived by Your Rules. As an elder parent, its pay back time ...hee heee)
Aileen Marques It will depend on what i feel, how I feel and why I feel... In terms of the choice of settling in a New place. In most cases i have handled senior citizens preferred the comfort of their house and neighbourhood in their silver years. they said they feel the urge to live life more independently.
Susan Dmello Barton I totally agree... the kids are always welcome to "visit" Also in this day and age you can monitor everything what with c.f. tv cameras and full time police cleared maids and home help... they enjoy their independence AND you are always welcome for visits and holidays etc... let's not take away their dignity.
Niraj Khedkar Something outside the question asked... With all due respect to all senior citizens:
Point is not who leaves his set life... Each life is earned with lot of effort... Kids aswell as parents... But Problem is something else...in India parents are so much emotional that they can't let there kids choose their life after 16/18yrs and accept it or not... Hence majority of parents never plan for their post retirement life...
I am sure this generation already knows their kids are not going to take care of them... So they have already started saving and planning for post retirement life...
#healthyAging #postretirementplanning
#OnestopSolutionServices for all senior citizen needs Can be few solutions for such challenges
Mohit Sadh Just go ther for some time n check, if it's worth, otherwise come back n live here happily ever after
Aditi Misra Interesting responses!
I think for me it’ll depend on a lot of things... my health / my finances/ my spouse!
Aseem Chandawarkar On Children
- Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Umesh Gujjar Better to be in India with our Loved ones, even if one earns less (as compared to foreign earnings)
Niraj Khedkar Yes that action speaks a lot... No senior citizen wants to willingly go in a care home...
Doris Gomes I will go n spent sone time, esp because of my small grand kids...
वरिष्ठ नागरिक सेवा संस्थान It is difficult for parents to shift .
Ashok Maheshwari Never. I am Hindustani and at 80 crossed, I want to spend my allotted time in my own country.
Dileep Lad I will stay in My country. I am proud of my country भारत माता की जय
Adv Vidya Patil Very much right
Puneet Sunita Khurana I'd ask them to F... off!
Bhavdeep Pandya I will go n settle with my children
Amita Rs What about in olden days when people relocated from villages to town in search of better life? How did those older adults feel then when their children left them and the big farming lands behind for city jobs? Only some things have changed but rest of the issues remain same.
CA Hemant Damodar Mehta One has to choose with balanced mind .. to be useful to Society here in India or to spend life with son/daughter abroad depending your physical capacity and health.
We thank all for their views and opinion, this will help us to plan our Future.
Visit our website: http://silverinnings.in/
The Question we asked:
You are 60 plus and your children's are in another country / city, they can't come and stay with you, But they ask you to come and settle with them, What will you do ?
Following Comments / Answers we got:
Susan Dmello Barton or just maybe your kids who are abroad can find solutions and caregivers in YOUR OWN HOME IN India... they financially stand by you and visit often so win win for all.
Nidhi Raj Kapoor Good question and great conversation here. You should do a study and compile the findings. I would love to hear more.
Rajeshwar Devarakonda Sailesh Mishra Apt question. In my case, the child - me, relocated. I tried and then understood that the parents too have their social life and to expect them to make yet another sacrifice and become yet another object in your house is inhuman.
Sailesh Mishra I posted above question as this is one of most discussed among seniors. But I never thought, next day I will get this sad news... Like one of the answer when you try to relocate a Senior..... So this is new: USA woman, 92, kills son to avoid being sent into care home : https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-44707643
Vanita Kumta This is where having a heart to heart conversation and abstaining from imposing ones point of view over another could perhaps have been helpful to avoid a sad incident.
Bernadette Ferrer Sailesh Mishra, the article reported is an isolated incident. The mindset of US white folks are Selfish and Narcissistic. Do not Ever compare with their mindset with ANY ASIAN whose embedded culture revolves around family!
Second, the SON who was shot by his mother Did Not RESPECT his own mother's wishes to Stay Home. The Sons was Enabled by HIS family members & Girlfriend to FORCE his own mother to leave her comfort zone. Alternative solutions for his mothers5care exists...PAY FOR 24 HOUR Nurse or Caregivers!
Son was a Lemming!
I truly Suspect that the SON and Family members had a Hidden Financial Agenda.
Sailesh Mishra, you're seasoned enough to Discern cultural Mindsets!
Asha Uberoy No body wants to go and live in another country at this age. And remember a father can look after 10 kids. But 10 kids find it difficult to look after one father. It is the law of life. The water in the river keeps flowing forward. We must not, cannot blame our children or anyone else.
Bhavdeep Pandya We can always create ability to change.. greatest issue is people only change by force.
Bhavdeep Pandya I will go.. I am nearing 70 years
Vanita Kumta Firstly if one feels one can adjust to a new country at the age one has reached it is a good option,secondly one must have trust and faith in them only then,thirdly as long as one feels able to take care of ones needs independently it is worthwhile staying put,or resorting to assistance or joining an assisted living facility or a senior citizens home that suits ones needs financially. Most importantly one needs to keep on going on as far as possible,with a positive outlook and not succumb to the growing pressures around. It is a difficult situation and a level headed choice is necessary. Remaining as active as possible,without stretching out ones hands in desperation,yet asking and taking help when needed is imperative.
Vanita Kumta From real life instances I have seen ,I know seniors who have no children and lose their partner,I have also seen seniors who have children often living in India in the same city,yet at the crucial hour they are not in a position to reach out to their aged parents due to official engagements. All said and done life is unpredictable. It does not follow any book. One needs to actively accept everything 100% however unpleasant . Having said that it is necessary to have a plan of action worked out between the couple whilst they are both living,taking the children too into confidence. The problem more often than nought is that communication and discussion on certain unpleasant ,however obvious realities of life is often lacking or postponed for later. But unfortunately, ' Time And Tide Waits For No Man'.
Mohan Siroya Very sane advice.
Bina Umesh Raj Sharma I feel if at this age you can adjust and mentally prepated then one should go and stay with the children in India/abroad. The children will also be comfortable since the whole family is a one place unless they have an ulterior motive.
Bernadette Ferrer Your choice: Stubborn Self Independence versus You live by Their Rules of Their Home (Tables are turned..as children, they lived by Your Rules. As an elder parent, its pay back time ...hee heee)
Aileen Marques It will depend on what i feel, how I feel and why I feel... In terms of the choice of settling in a New place. In most cases i have handled senior citizens preferred the comfort of their house and neighbourhood in their silver years. they said they feel the urge to live life more independently.
Susan Dmello Barton I totally agree... the kids are always welcome to "visit" Also in this day and age you can monitor everything what with c.f. tv cameras and full time police cleared maids and home help... they enjoy their independence AND you are always welcome for visits and holidays etc... let's not take away their dignity.
Niraj Khedkar Something outside the question asked... With all due respect to all senior citizens:
Point is not who leaves his set life... Each life is earned with lot of effort... Kids aswell as parents... But Problem is something else...in India parents are so much emotional that they can't let there kids choose their life after 16/18yrs and accept it or not... Hence majority of parents never plan for their post retirement life...
I am sure this generation already knows their kids are not going to take care of them... So they have already started saving and planning for post retirement life...
#healthyAging #postretirementplanning
#OnestopSolutionServices for all senior citizen needs Can be few solutions for such challenges
Mohit Sadh Just go ther for some time n check, if it's worth, otherwise come back n live here happily ever after
Aditi Misra Interesting responses!
I think for me it’ll depend on a lot of things... my health / my finances/ my spouse!
Aseem Chandawarkar On Children
- Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Umesh Gujjar Better to be in India with our Loved ones, even if one earns less (as compared to foreign earnings)
Niraj Khedkar Yes that action speaks a lot... No senior citizen wants to willingly go in a care home...
Doris Gomes I will go n spent sone time, esp because of my small grand kids...
वरिष्ठ नागरिक सेवा संस्थान It is difficult for parents to shift .
Ashok Maheshwari Never. I am Hindustani and at 80 crossed, I want to spend my allotted time in my own country.
Dileep Lad I will stay in My country. I am proud of my country भारत माता की जय
Adv Vidya Patil Very much right
Puneet Sunita Khurana I'd ask them to F... off!
Bhavdeep Pandya I will go n settle with my children
Amita Rs What about in olden days when people relocated from villages to town in search of better life? How did those older adults feel then when their children left them and the big farming lands behind for city jobs? Only some things have changed but rest of the issues remain same.
CA Hemant Damodar Mehta One has to choose with balanced mind .. to be useful to Society here in India or to spend life with son/daughter abroad depending your physical capacity and health.
We thank all for their views and opinion, this will help us to plan our Future.
Visit our website: http://silverinnings.in/
